For those who’ve been on social media these days, you’ve in all probability seen #attachmentstyle making the rounds. The hashtag has been seen greater than a billion instances on TikTok.
So what’s attachment model?
Relationship attachment model refers to how folks behave in relationships, from expressing intimacy to dealing with battle. The time period turned well-liked in 1969 when psychologist Mary Ainsworth developed the Unusual State of affairs Process (surprisingly not trending on TikTok) to measure attachment between caregiver and baby.
Ainsworth’s attachment idea says the emotional bonds we kind with our caregivers (normally mother and father) as infants play a giant function in how we behave in relationships as adults. For instance, for those who had a caretaker who wasn’t attentive to your wants or dependable, you’re extra prone to have difficulties in grownup relationships.
Therapist Lori Gordon-Michaeli, LCSW, mentioned studying your attachment model may also help you higher perceive the way in which you tick and the way you reply to your companion. “It helps us study what our wants are and the way we may also help our companion meet these wants. It additionally helps us to grasp our companion and their strategy to the connection.”
Learn: What Are the 5 Love Languages? >>
Gordon mentioned attachment model is pushed by the unconscious self reasonably than the aware self. “If we all know our attachment model, we will navigate a wholesome model of interactions. As a substitute of reacting, we study to reply within the relationship. Plenty of instances relationships don’t work due to our attachment kinds and a ignorance in responses.”
The 4 attachment kinds are:
- Safe
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Disorganized
The three insecure kinds — you guessed them — have unfavourable impacts on relationships. However you’ll be able to take steps to acknowledge insecure attachment kinds and make modifications to assist kind wholesome relationships.
We requested Gordon concerning the fundamentals behind the 4 attachment kinds and what to know for those who or your companion has an insecure attachment model.
1. Safe attachment model
Individuals who have a safe attachment model are normally assured within the bond they’ve with their companions. So, they normally do effectively in relationships.
They’re snug sharing emotions and are good at speaking. They don’t normally learn into issues and are advantageous with intimacy and vulnerability whereas, on the identical time, nonetheless really feel safe in who they’re. Mainly, the kind of companion all of us need.
For those who or your companion has a safe attachment model: Individuals with safe attachment kinds will normally gravitate to one another. Nevertheless, if they’re in a relationship with somebody who has an insecure attachment model, they’re prone to be prepared to fulfill their companion the place they’re and/or assist work by way of issues.
2. Anxious attachment model
Individuals with an anxious attachment model usually had one thing occur of their infancy or younger childhood improvement that led to emotions of abandonment. So, as adults, they need to really feel shut and intimate with their companion so that they really feel reassured and secure.
Nevertheless, the necessity for fixed reassurance and relationship validation could be troublesome in a relationship. Individuals with anxious attachment could sabotage the connection in attention-seeking methods to get validation. Feeling insecure, jealous and needy are additionally indicators of anxious attachment model.
For those who or your companion has an anxious attachment model: It could be useful to work on coping expertise utilizing discuss remedy, corresponding to dialectical habits remedy (DBT) for self soothing and cognitive behavioral remedy (CBT). EMDR, which stands for eye motion desensitization and reprocessing, may assist to maneuver previous emotions of abandonment.
Learn: What Is EMDR and How Can It Assist Trauma Survivors? >>
3. Avoidant attachment model
Individuals with avoidant attachment are inclined to withdraw throughout intimacy and draw back from closeness total. It’s because the thought of being susceptible feels threatening to them. Individuals with avoidant attachment have problem trusting different folks and make investments little in relationships.
For those who or your companion has an avoidant attachment model: Remedy may also help folks with avoidant attachment model study to belief and share ideas and emotions. Observe: Avoidant and anxious attachment kinds can develop into very poisonous when collectively, so each events ought to take into account remedy.
4. Disorganized attachment model
Individuals with disorganized attachment kinds have a mixture of anxious attachment with avoidant traits. Normally folks with this attachment model have been by way of trauma and/or abuse and have a really onerous time trusting anybody.
Disorganized attachment could result in unpredictable habits and bother regulating feelings. Indicators of disorganized attachment embody contradictory behaviors, like being cold and warm, and a concern of rejection.
For those who or your companion has a disorganized attachment model: Therapies that embody trauma assist could assist folks with disorganized attachment. EMDR and trauma-focused CBT are two examples which will additionally assist folks course of and transfer ahead towards more healthy relationships.
The excellent news is that individuals with any of those attachment kinds are able to comfortable relationships. “Remedy may be very useful in all regards to realize data about ourselves in methods we by no means actually thought of,” Gordon mentioned. “If you’re having issues in your relationships it is likely to be a good suggestion to begin with self reflection with a view to be one of the best model of your self. That normally modifications how we work together with others, which in flip, shifts the relationships into extra nice waters.”
